Hammer
Control, Inc.
A sudden surge of hammer-related deaths has
sent the number of tool-related assaults soaring. With the Louisiana woman who
beat her husband on the head with a hammer and the man who killed a 13-year old
boy with a sledge hammer, these crimes are out of control!
I am trying to get a handle on this situation
early by creating a new organization: Hammer Control Incorporated. HCI's mandate
is to oppose the power and influence of the National Hammer Association (NHA)
and lobby for strict hammer control.
I think we have a good chance to get some
ground-breaking legislation passed. First, we have to develop a national system
to register and track anyone who sells hammers. We can sell Federal Hammer
Licenses (FHLs) for individuals and businesses who want to deal in hammers. This
would offset some of the enforcement costs and keep some people out of the
business. We must have a licensing system to control these dangerous hammers!
Otherwise, people will be selling hammers out of their homes to criminals!
Hammer storage must be reviewed by the local police who can inspect the storage
area and ensure it meets zoning requirements.
Secondly, we must not allow anyone under the
age of 21 to purchase a hammer. It must also be a crime for anyone to give a
hammer to someone who is under 21 years of age. We will limit the number of
hammers an individual can purchase. The purchaser must fill out several forms
before the seller can transfer the hammer to them. This would encourage the
creation of a national hammer registry. Any purchaser must wait for five days
before they get their hammer. (This will prevent any crimes of passion.)
Thirdly, we must prevent anyone with a criminal
past from obtaining a hammer. This applies equally to adults as well as
children. If a child hits anything, that child will probably grow up to become a
hammer-wielding killer! Perhaps we could fund some scientific studies to prove
this point.
Fourthly, we must outlaw the use of pneumatic
nailers by everyone except law enforcement and the military. Those things
develop hundreds of strokes a minute! They are much too dangerous to allow our
citizens to own. You don't need a pneumatic hammer to build a doll house!
Lastly, we must restrict the importation of
foreign hammers and even nails onto our soil. We don't want their shoddy foreign
hammers making their way into the hands of street thugs and gangsters! There are
already too many hammers in American households. We don't need any more!
There are some sideline issues we can develop
as well. We must create hammer-free zones around our schools. We can create an
ownership tax on related items like replacement handles and nails. We can lobby
for additional laws to control the type, length, size, etc. of replacement
handles and accessories. Perhaps we can have nails tagged so if they are ever
used in a crime they can be traced. We could also have a hammer buy-back
program; if we find a sponsor, we could trade goods for hammers!
Thank goodness there is no such thing as a
Constitutional Right to own a hammer! That Constitution thing is so old anyway,
how can it be expected to cover all of these new things that we have to protect
ourselves from? Besides, we can trust our government. Have they ever done
anything and tried to cover it up?
If you are not sure of your position on hammer
control, ask yourself: What about the children? We are doing this for them so
they can grow up in a society free of the threat of hammer-related violence! If
you want to make our nation safer and reduce the threat of hammer-violence,
please join with me to stamp out hammers!
