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'United Nations' Humor and The Funny Associated Press

by Jimmy Tucker
Ain't got no title, but you can call me Little Jimmy 

July 9, 2001 -- With all of this hullaballoo about the United Nations Conference on Confiscating Weapons from People Who Resist Tyranny, Dafna Linzer of the Associated Press wrote an amusing article (July 9, 2001) for their propaganda machine that gave me a good belly laugh or two. These folks are meeting in New York City -- where a decent woman cannot protect herself with a handgun from a rapist -- to discuss the problem of honest people having guns.

First there was the title of her article: "U.S. Takes Strong Stance on Arms."  That's so cute, isn't it? In a sad sorta way anyway.  According to Ms. Linzer's AP report, U.S. Undersecretary of State John Bolton, speaking for the Bush administration, said, 

"The United States will not join consensus on a final document that contains measures contrary to our constitutional right to keep and bear arms...If the conference can concentrate on the central issue of the flow of illicit weapons into areas of conflict, then I think there's broad room for agreement. But if it drifts off into areas that are more properly the subject of national-level decision-making then I think there will be difficulties...The United States believes that the responsible use of firearms is a legitimate aspect of national life [and Washington will not accept any] measures that would constrain legal trade and legal manufacture of small arms and light weapons."

And the Associated Press lady thinks that's tough talk.  Kinda make ya wonder who they've been "Associated" with, doesn't it?

Where I come from, tough talk woulda been somethin' like, 

"All you small, self-important, poverty-stricken, handout-seeking, third-world communist government-worshippers are welcome to eat those stale donuts in the corner, over there next to the toilet, and you can drink that nasty city water 'til it's gone, but you can take your attempts to bind the good ole US of A to your rights-stripping policies and stick 'em where the sun don't shine."

That's how we'd put it in front of ladies anyway -- including those wonderful, patriotic vixen who'd call that sweettalk -- but a "strong stance" is what happens at shooting ranges while we're dousing UN flags with gasoline and drawing straws to see who gets to light 'em.  Those were the good ole days (last weekend), where people painted old, German-issue army helmets UN-powder blue and see how far away they can get and still put a .30 caliber hole in 'em.

The silly Associated Press writer also quoted a fellow by the name of Rubem Cesar Fernandes, of the International Network on Small Arms, a non-profit arms control group:

"I was amazed by the U.S. representative's remarks. It sounded like he wanted the conference to collapse," said Rubem Cesar Fernandes.

Fernandes' organization is based in London, not so far from where a 14-year-old girl was just gang raped by several youngsters "as holidaymakers walked nearby," where so-called 'banned' guns are used to rob paperboys, drag families from their beds and rob them, kill, intimidate and wreak havoc on local communities -- thanks to the black market similar to the black market in Hong Kong, where guns are also banned and thus owned by everybody who'll pay the price except lawful citizens who need them for self-defense.  Those decent folks who choose Life Over Laws can go straight to jail without collecting $200 if they get caught exercising the God-given right to self-defense -- or be executed, depending upon which UN state we are talking about -- and Mr. Fernandes knows that, as does his armed bodyguard.

Mr. Fernandes' ideas on what he's going to do to help those decent people protect themselves from the free market exploitation of his local black market in his fair city of London might merit some attention -- but his willy nilly yodeling that the defense of Americans' constitutional rights is somehow 'bad' seems rather roguish.  Somebody get him some tea, for goodness sake!

I reckon it's best you all don't make me go represent us countryfolk over there in New Yawk City.  I might git us all in a heap o' trouble.  'Course we American "strong standers" could lick the lot of 'em, so I guess there ain't much to be 'fraid of anyhow.

Send some prayers to that girl over at the Associated Press.  She got bit purty bad by something real red.


Little Jimmy

PS.  If you think that's "strong stance" talk, you should hear my dad, Big Jimmy. He says his training in the Marines has him certain he's got 30 fightin' years left, 40 if they make him mad. Daddy says it's a good thing Mr. Bolton spoke up for us to all them sick people at that meetin'.

PPS.  You can send my letter to everbody you like.  Just tell 'em about this here website, too. is our kinda people.