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Move over sheeple, make a hole dammit! Cranky middle-aged white man
comin’ through. This IS the smoking section, you twerp, an’ if it ain’t, it is
NOW. It’s been one hell of a day an’ I wanna pull on yer coat about
somethin’ here. Gimme a long neck Pearl an’ your attention.
Had a flat tire on my pick-up first thing this mornin’ and don’t you know,
that itty bitty jack the safety Nazis demanded Ford put under the hood
wouldn’t lift a skateboard, much less a REAL vehicle. Try gettin’ the
spare out from under the back end without gettin’ a concussion an’ a
double hernia at the same time, I dare ya. The whole damn day went like
that! So I decided to stop by the Last Ditch Attempt Saloon (Guns & Bait
in the back), on my way home to feed our fat ol’ milk cow Hillary. Biggun
Stump, the bartender, was there by his lonesome, and he had the TV tuned
in to the car-wreck news. I made the mistake of lookin’ at the infernal
thing and it got me to thinking about the idiots they put on there to
“entertain” and “inform” America. Sorriest bunch of cap-toothed empty
suits and eye shadow junkies that ever breathed air.
These droopers really chap my hide.
KATIE COURIC
- I’m tired of hearin’ about how “cute ‘n’ perky” she is.
Manic is what she is. She’s also one of the farthest out feathers in the
left wing television industry. I was “cute ‘n’ perky” like that one time
an’ the deputy made me take a field sobriety test. To hell with “cute ‘n’
perky,” I want the truth!
RICHARD SIMMONS
- This sawed off little gender bender looks like
Son-of-Liberace in silky little short pants to me. Why is this shemale so
damn popular? If he’s such a great dietician, how come all those women
that coo over him look like Green Bay Packers interior linemen? Another
good question is what were me an’ Biggun doing watchin’ the little weirdo
in the first place?
WALTER CRONKITE
- A lot of us grew up with this guy, and next to John
Wayne, he was about as pro- America as you could get. Everybody trusted
Walter. Hell, he used to be in schools back before the NEA turned them
into socialist reeducation camps. He used to host those “You Are There”
movies they’d make you sit through in junior high school history class.
Some actor would drive a golden spike in Utah, and there’d be Walter
telling you how this was the beginning of kicking the crap out of the
commies. Now all of a sudden, he’s runnin’ around shillin’ for Billy Jeff
Clinton, the UN, global government (pronounced slavery), affirmative
action, cultural diversity (pronounced slam white America for all your
problems), gun control (pronounced law abiding Americans give us your
guns, you criminals can keep yours), and a whole pile of other nonsense
designed to turn America into the next third world gulag. Walter, hey
Walter, wake up dammit, what the hell happened here!!? Somebody slip a
mickey in your Viagra milkshake or something? Get a grip pal and take a
look in the mirror. Are you in there?
SPIKE LEE
- He said: “Charleton Heston should be shot with a .44 Bulldog.”
Spike wants gun control all right, just as long as he and his
totalitarian bros are the ones controlling them. Spike is black by the
way, and Chuck Heston is white. Go to jail Mr. Lee, do not pass GO and do
not make another highly overrated black exploitation movie. You have
committed a “hate crime.” Now THAT’S a level playing field. How ya like it
so far?
JOHN McCAIN
- S&L thief, pampered elitist snob, school yard bully,
abortion flip-flop artist, “campaign finance reform” fraud, socialist
agenda puke, and one really, really weird lookin’ guy, all rolled in to
the original putrid package nobody with any sense would touch with a ten
foot pole. I know you’re not the only hair ball runnin’ for office, but
right now you’re the biggest burr under my saddle. Listen up little John,
you are NOT a war hero, you are a war SURVIVOR. I happen to personally
know a few returned POWs, and you shouldn’t be allowed to stand under the
same sun with them. I don’t discount your service, Mr. bank robber,
service to one’s country is an honorable thing. But I detest your
attempted march to the White House over the bodies of the men I served
with in Viet Nam. You should be ashamed. Then you should be indicted.
DIANE FEINSTEIN
- Educated in the San Francisco tradition of
gay-think-a-roni, this air-headed fashion zombie is like the tin foil
we’ve all bitten down on at one time or another. A lap-dog for Billy Jeff
to tease with cigars and other left wing “for the children” sex education
toys. The first thing this hypocrit did after Harvey Milk got dusted out
in California twenty five years ago was to run out and get a gun permit.
The second thing she did was to initiate legislation that would disarm the
rest of us. Joined at the lip with Barbara Boxer, another feminist dim
bulb, she continues to whine on in the best Hillary tradition. Big ol’
waste of skin is what she is.
ALEC BALDWIN
- Another Hollyweird advocate of murder for peace. Mr.
Baldwin, on national television no less, demanded the death by stoning of
Henry Hyde and his entire family. This is the enlightened opinion of a
fella who thinks dogs are an endangered species, cats should be sued for
wearin’ fur and The Bill of Rights is the menu at Planet Hollywood.
‘Nother hate crime here Alec, hope you an’ Spike meet lots of new and
interesting folks in jail. Specially in the shower.
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT
- Now let me get this straight. The IRS steals my money
in order to pay this bag-lady lookalike, (my apoligies to honest
bag-ladies everywhere), to run around the world settin’ us up to be the
United Nations of Amerika. That about the size of it? I want my money
back, NOW. Toss yer bedroll on the UN floor Madeleine and STAY there. I’ll
have some “peacekeepers” along shortly to gas, shoot, bomb and burn you
until you are completely “globalized.”
JESSE JACKSON
- Other than runnin’ all over the place knockin’ people down
in order to get in front of any camera in sight, can anybody out there
tell me what this man does for a living? Has he ever had a real job? I
can’t afford to take my ol’ woman out for a steak at Buford’s Guns & Bait
Roadhouse more than once a month. But this-as far as I can
tell-unemployed, self-serving big mouth manages to get from Wisconsin to
Tierra del Fuego, an’ anywhere else he wants to go, at the drop of a hat.
I gotta wonder, has he been dippin’ into the pot-o-gold under that Rainbow
he’s always talkin’ about? I’m not impressed by a guy in a $1,000 suit
standin’ in the middle of a gang of crack heads talkin’ about how I oughta
be helpin’ ‘em. Help ‘em what? Adjust the sights on their stolen guns so
they get tighter shot groups when they’re doin’ drive-bys? Stick a crowbar
in yer wallet Jesse an’ help ‘em yourself. Better yet, get a REAL job and
set an example. Quit shirkin’ an’ get workin’ as you might say.
DONALD TRUMP
- This guys employs a lot of folks, an’ that’s a good thing
fer sure. But ye Gods ‘n’ little fishes, where did he EVER get the idea
that anyone gives a hoot about his “politics?” Forget the Reform party,
Don, they’ve got enough trouble. Start your own party, why don’t ya? You
already know how to lie, cheat and steal. Lord knows you’ve got the cash
and the smarmy grin. Here’s some ideas to get you started. You could call
it the ”Great-Big-Ol’-Comb-Over-And-Half-A-Gallon-of-Hair-Spray-Party.”
You could run on the “Lobsters-And-Self-Absorbed-Fashion-Models-Ticket.”
You could stand on the “Get-Behind-Me-And-Stay-There-Platform.” At
rallies, the band could wear “The Donald” masks and fright wigs and play
“The Wonder of Me.” I’m just spit ballin’ here, but it might work. Use any
of these ideas you want, just as soon as you pay me my copyright fees and
promise to campaign on another planet.
JANET RENO
- Let’s get somthin’ straight here right from the git-go. Janet
Reno does NOT have a disease that makes her shake. The real story here is
that there’s a wire up her butt that runs directly to a little button on
the Zipper-in-Chief’s desk. Any time he thinks she might break down and
tell the truth about anything, Bill pushes the button and Lady Reno gets
110 volts up her pooper. You’d shake an’ lie too, if you knew that was the
price you’d have to pay for bein’ honest. Just thinkin’ about it makes me
shakey. Now that we’ve got that out in the open, so to speak, you can stop
feelin’ sorry for her and start demanding her indictment. The slaughtered
of Waco demand it. That was a church, full of women and kids! They were
gassed, shot and burned! If you think that can be “justified,” or
“explained,” in any way, by any body, then stop readin’ this right now an’
go turn yourself in to this criminal so she can “protect” you. Me and mine
can take care of ourselves, thank you very much. Anybody else that wants
to “protect us” had better bring their lunch, ‘cause I swear to ya, it’s
gonna be a long day.
YASSAR ARAFAT
- Official terrorist peacemaker. I think he’s really Ringo
Starr with a dish towel wrapped around his head. Think about it, have you
ever seen the two of them together? I suppose he’s not any worse than the
official terrorist peacemaker on the other side he’s always arguing with,
but that Ringo thing bothers me. Get rid of him an’ see if those people
over there can get things settled down. It’s worth a try, an’ you gotta
admit, things aren’t gettin’ any better the way they are.
JERRY SPRINGER
- This guy is not only the bottom of the barrel, he’s gone
through the bottom and now resides in the sewer lines under the house. How
can one man find so much trailer trash, and so many pathetic, room
temperature IQs, an’ get ‘em all on TV at the same time? In truth, it
ain’t Springer that makes me salty. Hell, he’s just another snake oil
salesman in a cheap suit. No, it’s the fact that this sort of brain-dead
sewage is so wildly popular in America today that riles me. It’s just
plain ol’ disturbing. I’m not gonna say things couldn’t get any worse.
Every time I do, some walkin’ piece of fecal matter like this comes along
and proves me wrong.
BILL OWENS
- Turncoat Governor of Colorado. Seems Mr. Bill got himself
elected on a platform that included a pro-gun plank. Now he’s doing
everything he can to make sure law abiding folks in Colorado can be
assaulted nice ‘n’ legal-like by the scumbags that don’t pay any attention
to laws in the first place. This here is the kind of thing that just gets
me hotter than the salsa down at Renaldo’s Guns & Bait & Mexican Fiesta
Bar & Grill. Another lyin’-outta-both-sides-of-his-mouth-at-the-same-damn-time-politician! I make a motion that nobody named Bill ever get elected for anything in
America as long as I’m alive. This squishy, low-rent fool says takin’ guns
away from honest citizens will insure that things like that mess at
Columbine High don’t happen again. Just how many of them honest folks that
voted for you were shootin’ up that school, you moron??? Them two
whacked-out kids broke upwards of 30 laws that are ALREADY on the books!
You think passin’ some more will change anything? That there is what I
hafta to scrape offa my boots after walking in the pasture before my ol’
woman will let me in the house! I don’t know what the folks in Colorado
are going to do with you, but I’D be lookin’ for a rope an’ a tall tree to
introduce you to. You hear what I’m sayin’ boy?
Along about this time Biggun told me I had to leave ‘cause he was closin’
early so’s he could get over to the Guns & Bait Movie Complex & Pistol
Range in time to see a Meryl Streep retrospective. I’m 6’3’’ an’ go about
250 pounds, but Biggun Stump could eat apples off the top of my head,
stem, seeds, an’ all, so I didn’t question his choice of entertainment.
Besides, it’s supposed to be a free country, an’ if Biggun wants to watch
Meryl leak around the eyes, that’s his look out.
I sure enough didn’t get to all the fools out there that chap my hide, but
you get the idea. Chances are there’s somebody I missed that’s puttin’ a
flat tire on the motorcycle of YOUR life. If that’s the case, let me know
an’ maybe we can get together some day an’ shred ‘em.
I‘ve got to get on home now an’ milk Hillary before she starts howlin’ ‘n’
stompin’ her feet like her namesake has been known to do. Y’all take care
now hear.
"Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo
the fatigue of supporting it". Thomas Paine
Minority Mike aka Michael J. Bates can be reached at thunder_foot@hotmail.com His wife, Margaret, helps him with the big words in the letters you write him. |
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