Hammer Control, Inc.

A sudden surge of hammer-related deaths has sent the number of tool-related assaults soaring. With the Louisiana woman who beat her husband on the head with a hammer and the man who killed a 13-year old boy with a sledge hammer, these crimes are out of control!

I am trying to get a handle on this situation early by creating a new organization: Hammer Control Incorporated. HCI's mandate is to oppose the power and influence of the National Hammer Association (NHA) and lobby for strict hammer control.

I think we have a good chance to get some ground-breaking legislation passed. First, we have to develop a national system to register and track anyone who sells hammers. We can sell Federal Hammer Licenses (FHLs) for individuals and businesses who want to deal in hammers. This would offset some of the enforcement costs and keep some people out of the business. We must have a licensing system to control these dangerous hammers! Otherwise, people will be selling hammers out of their homes to criminals! Hammer storage must be reviewed by the local police who can inspect the storage area and ensure it meets zoning requirements.

Secondly, we must not allow anyone under the age of 21 to purchase a hammer. It must also be a crime for anyone to give a hammer to someone who is under 21 years of age. We will limit the number of hammers an individual can purchase. The purchaser must fill out several forms before the seller can transfer the hammer to them. This would encourage the creation of a national hammer registry. Any purchaser must wait for five days before they get their hammer. (This will prevent any crimes of passion.)

Thirdly, we must prevent anyone with a criminal past from obtaining a hammer. This applies equally to adults as well as children. If a child hits anything, that child will probably grow up to become a hammer-wielding killer! Perhaps we could fund some scientific studies to prove this point.

Fourthly, we must outlaw the use of pneumatic nailers by everyone except law enforcement and the military. Those things develop hundreds of strokes a minute! They are much too dangerous to allow our citizens to own. You don't need a pneumatic hammer to build a doll house!

Lastly, we must restrict the importation of foreign hammers and even nails onto our soil. We don't want their shoddy foreign hammers making their way into the hands of street thugs and gangsters! There are already too many hammers in American households. We don't need any more!

There are some sideline issues we can develop as well. We must create hammer-free zones around our schools. We can create an ownership tax on related items like replacement handles and nails. We can lobby for additional laws to control the type, length, size, etc. of replacement handles and accessories. Perhaps we can have nails tagged so if they are ever used in a crime they can be traced. We could also have a hammer buy-back program; if we find a sponsor, we could trade goods for hammers!

Thank goodness there is no such thing as a Constitutional Right to own a hammer! That Constitution thing is so old anyway, how can it be expected to cover all of these new things that we have to protect ourselves from? Besides, we can trust our government. Have they ever done anything and tried to cover it up?