George Bush
Selects Jesus of Nazareth as Running Mate
a fictional
account of how the mainstream media might
react
By Jim Hall
Cokie Roberts:
"Welcome Jesus to our media discussion of your selection
as George W. Bush's running mate for the 2000 presidential
election. We are here with Matt Lauer and Katie Couric
of NBC, Bryant Gumbel of CBS, Jesse Jackson of the Rainbow Coalition,
Patricia Ireland of N.O.W., Hillary Rodham Clinton who is
running for Senate in the State of New York, and MTV news reporter
Gideon Yago. We'll start with Matt."
Matt Lauer:
"Jesus, is it true that in the past, you've raised people from the
dead?"
Jesus: Yes that's
true!"
Matt: "Well,
what kind of message do you think that sends to the government that took 60% of
the decedent's estate, and now have to give it back. Don't you think this will
hurt the poor?"
Jesus: "Well
I...
Katie Couric: "And
Jesus, I see you don't wear any shoes, have no possessions, and have no
permanent address, yet you seem healthy and happy. Don't you think that sends a
negative message to this country's poor, meek, and homeless that are hoping for
a hand out?"
Jesus: "People
only have to put their faith in God.."
Matt: "Sorry
Jesus, you can't use that word here."
Jesus: "What
word?"
Katie: "The
G-word, silly!"
Bryant: "Isn't
it true Jesus, or should I say Hey-Soos, that George W. picked you in a vain
attempt to secure the Hispanic vote?"
Cokie: "And
that last name, Nazareth, wasn't that a rock band. Is Dubya trying to go after
the MTV vote also?"
Gideon: "Yo,
Jesus, boxers or briefs?"
Jesse: "How
can you expect African-Americans to vote for you , when you are obviously a
false profit. We all know that Jesus was a black man!"
Cokie: "How
do you feel about the death penalty, seeing that you were crucified?"
Patricia: "We see
that you were never married, so you never subjected a woman to the indignities
of marital servitude, but we would like to know why you had a relationship with
Mary Magdalene, a hooker, and a member of one of the most oppressed and
exploited groups in this country today."
Hillary: "Getting
back to the meek and poor whom you claim to represent. How can you support them
by becoming a candidate of the Republican party, the party of the rich and
powerful?"
Bryant Gumbel: "We
also see you are against plastic Madonnas, is this true? Doesn't that offend the
Catholic Church?"
At this point, the
room begins to rumble and a seething firmament begins
boiling down from the ceiling. Suddenly, Jesus vanishes in a
puff of smoke. GOD - "JESUS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!" Various of the
pundits gasp or faint..
Cokie: "Well,
I guess that ends our interview."
Bryant Gumbel:
"What a f***ing idiot!"
Hillary: "F***ing
jew bastard!"
