A New Element

The fire at Los Alamos has one significant consequence. A secret scientific document was discovered in a bunker whose security systems were mostly destroyed by the fire. This document was leaked to the public last weekend. Actually it reveals nothing that we didn't already suspect. But it does show that the government has known all along that besides arsenic, lead, mercury radon, strontium and plutonium, one more extremely deadly and pervasive element also exists.

Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named GOVERNMENTIUM (Gv) but kept top secret for 50 years.

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0.

It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 supervisory neutrons, and 111 team leader neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called MORONS, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called PEONS.

Since it has no electrons, Governmentium is INERT. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of approximately three years during which it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the deputy neutrons, supervisory neutrons, and team leader neutrons exchange places. In fact, a Governmentium sample's mass will actually INCREASE over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons forming new isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "CRITICAL MORASS."