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George Bush Selects Jesus of Nazareth as Running Mate
a fictional account of how the mainstream media might react

By Jim Hall

Cokie Roberts:  "Welcome Jesus to our media discussion of your selection as George W. Bush's running mate for the 2000 presidential election. We are here with Matt Lauer and Katie Couric of NBC, Bryant Gumbel of CBS, Jesse Jackson of the Rainbow Coalition, Patricia Ireland of N.O.W., Hillary Rodham Clinton who is running for Senate in the State of New York, and MTV news reporter Gideon Yago. We'll start with Matt."

Matt Lauer:  "Jesus, is it true that in the past, you've raised people from the dead?"

Jesus:  Yes that's true!"

Matt:  "Well, what kind of message do you think that sends to the government that took 60% of the decedent's estate, and now have to give it back. Don't you think this will hurt the poor?"

Jesus:  "Well I...

Katie Couric:  "And Jesus, I see you don't wear any shoes, have no possessions, and have no permanent address, yet you seem healthy and happy. Don't you think that sends a negative message to this country's poor, meek, and homeless that are hoping for a hand out?"

Jesus:  "People only have to put their faith in God.."

Matt:  "Sorry Jesus, you can't use that word here."

Jesus:  "What word?"

Katie:  "The G-word, silly!"

Bryant:  "Isn't it true Jesus, or should I say Hey-Soos, that George W. picked you in a vain attempt to secure the Hispanic vote?"

Cokie:  "And that last name, Nazareth, wasn't that a rock band. Is Dubya trying to go after the MTV vote also?"

Gideon:  "Yo, Jesus, boxers or briefs?"

Jesse:  "How can you expect African-Americans to vote for you , when you are obviously a false profit. We all know that Jesus was a black man!"

Cokie:  "How do you feel about the death penalty, seeing that you were crucified?"

Patricia: "We see that you were never married, so you never subjected a woman to the indignities of marital servitude, but we would like to know why you had a relationship with Mary Magdalene, a hooker, and a member of one of the most oppressed and exploited groups in this country today."

Hillary:  "Getting back to the meek and poor whom you claim to represent. How can you support them by becoming a candidate of the Republican party, the party of the rich and powerful?"

Bryant Gumbel:  "We also see you are against plastic Madonnas, is this true? Doesn't that offend the Catholic Church?"

At this point, the room begins to rumble and a seething firmament begins boiling down from the ceiling. Suddenly, Jesus vanishes in a puff of smoke. GOD - "JESUS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!" Various of the pundits gasp or faint..

Cokie:  "Well, I guess that ends our interview."

Bryant Gumbel:  "What a f***ing idiot!"

Hillary:  "F***ing jew bastard!"


Printer Version

The supreme power in America cannot enforce unjust laws by the sword, because the whole body of the people are armed, and constitute a force superior to any band of regular troops. Noah Webster, An Examination into the Leading Principles of the Federal Constitution Proposed BV the Late Convention (1787).

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