All this talk about gun control has me really concerned. A very serious problem is not being addressed yet regarding another common act of violence in our society, and I want some answers from the Federal government right now.

The problem is FISTS. Nearly every single person in our society has Two Fists. According to surveys and law enforcement statistics, many more people are brutalized with fists than with guns. It starts in preschool fights over milk money or broken crayons and oftentimes continues for years. In startling numbers of reported cases, toddlers are even punching their little brothers and sisters with these weapons.

To worsen the problem, some people travel the streets in groups, each of them with two fists, bringing the total number of fists in these roving groups of fist-toting gangsters much higher than the lone person they could meet on the street.

The overwhelming evidence of fist violence in our country and around the world is alarming. Assault and battery is a widespread epidemic. We must stop this violence by immediately legislating for Fist Control.

RECOMMENDED LEGISLATION

We need to enact legislation prohibiting any more than three fisted people getting together in a public place. Such legislation could offer an exemption once we come up with a way to disable people’s fists--so nobody can illegally use their fists against innocent people ever again. We should allocate $10 Million dollars to develop Smart Gloves and enforce a Federal Law requiring the use of Smart Gloves wherever groups of fisted people are gathered. These specially-designed, federally-funded safety devices will make it impossible for people to make a fist and thus insure peace and harmony in our society. Further legislation needs to be implemented involving stiff penalties for gatherings of people who are not using Smart Gloves. Such public safety measures will help dramatically reduce the use of fists in violent fistfights immediately.

We also need Licensing of fists and complete public records on how much training each person has in the use of their fists. Thorough background checks need to take place before anyone can get trained in any of the martial arts, including fingerprints and other assorted personal records. We need to publish pictures publicly of anyone who is highly trained in using their fists to make sure their neighbors are aware of their potential to use these lethal weapons. This would assure peaceful citizens that people who have ever used their fists in any act of violence cannot get further trained in the use of their weapons.

We also need government-sponsored and tax-funded Fist Equality Training to equalize people’s abilities to defend themselves against other Fist Nuts. It is unfair that some people are highly trained with their fists while others couldn’t punch their way out of a paper bag.

Getting rid of all the guns is clearly not going to assure people’s safety until we get rid of all these fists. Let’s face the facts. If we didn’t put laws in place to address the Fist issue, innocent people would still be defenseless against groups of criminals carrying fists. We’ve got to do something about all the fists out there, and we’d better begin the process now.

People should be willing to give in to Fist Control in the interest of public safety. Personal Freedom is clearly not as important as making sure nobody has the means to ever use their Fists against another person, ever again.

Please call your local anti-gun legislators immediately and demand that they add this to their agenda to stop crime. While you’re talking to them, you may as well go ahead and tell them we’re working on other measures to make sure nobody ever hurts anybody ever again. Next, we’re going after pencils. School children carrying sharp pencils around schools every day is insane. A little girl in second grade was stabbed in the arm just the other day, and we’ve got to put an end to such madness.

FURTHER SOCIAL PROGRESS

Getting all the guns out of society and clamping down on Fist access will not be enough to stop violence. Future plans to make people do what is right include completing the knife and club control measures, removing any metal pipes from public access, and getting all explosive materials including gasoline out of our society. All of this is building up to calculated control measures for the most lethal weapon of all—the mouth. People can say anything they want in this country, and we’ve got to do something about it.

"Ideas are more powerful than guns. If we don’t let our people have guns, why should we let them have ideas?" Josef Stalin