A New Element
The fire at Los Alamos has one
significant consequence. A secret scientific document was discovered in a bunker
whose security systems were mostly destroyed by the fire. This document was
leaked to the public last weekend. Actually it reveals nothing that we didn't
already suspect. But it does show that the government has known all along that
besides arsenic, lead, mercury radon, strontium and plutonium, one more
extremely deadly and pervasive element also exists.
Investigators at a major
research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This
startling new discovery has been tentatively named GOVERNMENTIUM (Gv) but kept
top secret for 50 years.
This new element has no protons
or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0.
It does, however, have 1
neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 supervisory neutrons, and 111 team leader
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together
by a force called MORONS, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called PEONS.
Since it has no electrons,
Governmentium is INERT. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction
with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount
of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it
would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of
approximately three years during which it does not decay but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which a portion of the deputy neutrons, supervisory neutrons,
and team leader neutrons exchange places. In fact, a Governmentium sample's mass
will actually INCREASE over time, since with each reorganization some of the
morons inevitably become neutrons forming new isotopes.
This characteristic of moron
promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical
quantity is referred to as the "CRITICAL MORASS."