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Congratulations, Mister bin Laden, You Have Won The War!

by Michael Z. Williamson

March 3, 2002

I have to hand it to you, Osama, you are a genius.

I expected you to follow the initial attack with others, and thus shut down the entire airline industry. I expected attacks at the Macy's Parade and the Superbowl. I figured you'd at least have a few suicide bombers on the streets.

You did none of that. You didn't need to.

Let's face it: America could not survive without air travel, so we would have found your moles before letting further flights take off. And why attack public events when we are spending billions of dollars to hire dropouts as security "experts"?

Our own governments, at every level, have done your work for you. Illiterates are harassing 80 year old South Dakotan Medal of Honor recipients as "potential terrorists." Grandmothers can't carry knitting needles, lest they stab a flight attendant. Entire airports are shut down because someone "Ran off" from a security checkpoint. We have soldiers patrolling our streets, our public events and our airports, almost like Ghana or the Congo. "Security officers" who are either sadistic perverts or morons are probing with rubber gloves teenage girls whose belly button rings set off the metal detector.

Our laws, our civil liberties, our very open way of life no longer exists. We can't sell pocket knives in malls. "Nine Eleven!" is the cry. "Stupidity" is our watchword. "Paranoia" our mindset. Weigand Combat Handguns, who manufactures custom pistols for National Match shooters and FBI agents can't buy a Dell computer because the word "combat" triggers a Pavlovian urination reflex among sheeple. It's almost as if they expect you to advertise publicly.

The panty-wetting freaks at the "Violence Policy Center" claim you hang out at gun shows looking for retail deals, rather than simply buy the stuff wholesale by the shipload in Pakistan. I'd expect these types of stories in the National Enquirer, but we are now expected to take them seriously.

An alleged "Airport Security Expert" didn't like the handcuff key on my keyring. He claimed I could "Jab someone with it." I have to confess: I lost my temper. I could just as easily jab someone with any key. This alleged expert was standing close enough to me that I could have used my martial arts training to reach over his beer gut and rip his throat out before he could whine for backup. When I sarcastically asked if he wanted me to wear cuffs against that training, he threatened to have me jailed for "threatening" the aircrew. I wasn't even flying-I was meeting someone.

You've created a situation where idiot legislators (pardon the redundancy) have convinced the idiot public (and again) that we are actually safer with government-hired morons (I repeat myself) running security. You're a genius, Sir!

I have to wonder: how loud will you laugh when the next terrorist inserts explosive into the obvious cavity (Alimentary, my Dear Watson) and the government creates a mandate that EVERYONE be probed before flying?

Any suggestion of a fair trial, any hint of fairness, any hint that we should treat people as people rather than as potential terrorists is taken with moral outrage, the speaker accused of being a "traitor."

I'm sure you'll chortle when I make the news next week. But I'll have good reason. The next person who attempts to justify stupidity with a mantra of "Nine Eleven! Nine Eleven!" I shall punch in the snoot. Then I shall kick them in the kidneys. Then I shall stomp them into a slimy spot on the sidewalk with my steel-toed combat boots. Those types of "military-style assault boots" will likely by banned thereby, but I no longer care.

You know what? I no longer care about "Nine Eleven." I care about a tragedy that killed thousands of people, that justifies our strongest retribution, but I don't care at all about a silly catchphrase. I'm done. Finito. Your greatest allies are the dunderheads I meet on the street everyday, and I shall now treat them accordingly.

I have to wonder if you appreciate the subtlety of your achievement, Osama. Laws and constitutions are null and void. Under the Indiana Constitution, I may carry a firearm. Under Indiana law, no local jurisdiction may pass any firearm legislation. Yet the local City-County building hired incompetent nitwits to tell me that I couldn't carry my 1" keychain tool into the building. Firearm? You jest! Licensed military officer? So what?

And down in the evidence room, they handed me a .45 caliber pistol, 2 magazines and 14 rounds of ammo in an untaped cardboard box and let me walk out unescorted.

Congratulations, Osama. You've won. Idiots and closet Fascists have taken over America, and you didn't even need to leave your cave.

Copyright 2002 by Michael Z. Williamson. Permission is granted to copy in whole for non-profit purposes, provided due credit is given. Please inform the author directly at or through when you do. Mr. Williamson's archive can be found here:


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Some writers have so confounded society with government, as to leave little or no distinction between them; whereas they are not only different, but have different origins ... Society is in every state a blessing, but Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one. THOMAS PAINE

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