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How To Help Legislators Be All That They Can Be
How To Help Legislators Be All That They Can Be

By Michael J Bates

Fir was flyin’ down at Zonker’s Guns & Bait & Used Cars Tavern the other day. The boys were mightily put out with what they were callin’ the Nanny-State of the Union. Fueled with patriotic ferver, righteous indignation and a fair amount of 90 proof Ole-Be-Joyful, they were rantin’ on about all the laws being passed by the human sewage in America who call themselves legislators. The boys were fed up with not being able to stick their heads out the door without gettin’ sued or arrested for hurtin’ the ozone, the children, the earth, the minorities, the gays, the whales, the tree huggers, the women or the delicate sensibilities of whatever fuzzy-brained, dim-bulb, socialist feeb happens to wander by.

Bein’ as how I almost finished high school, and even drove by a college or two in my time, the boys turned to me for an educated opinion. “What in THE hell is going on out there Mike, and how in the hell do we fix it,” slurred the angry crew? “How do we get these bloodsuckers offa our back?” I did my best to answer the boys’ questions and get home in time to shoe my jackass, Billy Jeff.

As I see it, the problem here is that legislator Sneakweenie is practicin’ medicine without a license. He’s telling us that puttin’ his band-aid on our national suckin’ chest wound will fix us right up! Obviously, that ain’t so.

This ain’t legislator Dimwit’s fault. He’s never been properly trained in correct legislatin’ procedures, an’ that’s OUR fault. It’s important for us to see that all these legislatin’ bottom-feeders get the right trainin’, ‘cause the way I see it, that’s the real problem here. We send ‘em off to Washington to legislate, ‘n’ they don’t even know how! All we’ve got to do is TRAIN these damn fools. We train dogs, an’ hair-dos, an’ stuff. Oughta work for a bunch of empty suits with capped teeth an’ $100 hair cuts don’t you think?

“And just how do we do that?” Zed Zonker wanted to know.

“We send them off to P.L.E.A.S.E.,” says I.

“What in the wide world of corrupt administrations is that?” says Zed.

“Why it’s Proper Legislature Enactment And Sensible Enforcement! basic training,” says I.

It’s boot camp! It works just like the boot camp I went through back in 1967 out in Ft. Lewis Washington. Fort Lewis is still there an’ I bet we could use it and that’s one of the beauties of the whole deal--we already have every thing we need for PLEASE! basic training. It’s already paid for. Is this great or what?

This here is how it works.

P.L.E.A.S.E.! Mission Statement:: Our mission is the educatin’ of legislative candidates in regard to the Bill Of Rights and the Constitution of the United States of America. Acceptable candidates will be required to protect and defend these two documents up to and including the point of death.

We’re not messin’ around here anymore. If you’re not willing to give your life, or take somebody else’s, in defense of these two documents, GET LOST. Legislatin’ is not for squishy wimps. We’re trainin’ leaders here, not a bunch of feel-good-about-yourself weenies.

Along those lines you should know that your training will include intense physical education. PE requires discipline, somethin’ the current crop of droopers in government know nothin’ about. You can’t defend something if you’re out of shape due to an over indulgence in free lunches, open bars and hookers.

You’ll be trained in, and expected to become proficient in, the use and nomenclatures of small arms. We’re going to take the fear out of guns for you. You don’t have to be Rambo, but you’re not going to be Richard Simmons either.

P.L.E.A.S.E.!. Applicant’s Requirements:

  • 1. All candidates will be volunteers. If we run out of volunteers we can always start draftin’ people.
  • 2. All candidates must complete P.L.E.A.S.E.! basic training in a satisfactory manner PRIOR to runnin’ for or assumin’ political office. You’re going to learn to walk here before you start runnin’. You’ll be tested severely and often, both physically and mentally, so suck it up.
  • 3. Approved candidates will serve for not less than two (2), nor more than six (6) years from the date of election to office. You’re here to SERVE your country, not make a soft living off it for the rest of your life. Do your time, then go get a damn job.
  • 4. This training is open to all natural born Americans. We don’t give a damn about what color, sex, religion, sexual persuasion or anything else you are. P.L.E.A.S.E.!. training is tough and if you’re some kind of perverted sicko you won’t cut the mustard anyway, so come one, come all.
  • 5. If you can’t make the grade you’re out. You don’t get to claim you were harassed or persecuted or treated “unfairly” and then sue us. The requirements are what the requirements are; take it or leave it.

    P.L.E.A.S.E.!. A general discription of your training and how it will be carried out::

    P.L.E.A.S.E.! basic training for legislative candidates will be conducted twice yearly. Training will commence January 1 and July 1. Candidates will report to a transport center at Kansas City, MO one day prior to those dates. (K.C. is central to the rest of the country so it seems a fair place to start.) From there you will be transported, via military transport, to the training center. No limos, private jets or any other form of private transportation will be allowed. Those days are over. When you arrive at the training center you will be told to “get the hell off that bus and give me twenty!”

    Your head will be shaved and you will be issued military style clothing. It will be O.D. green and it probably won’t fit, but everybody else is going to get the same thing so quit your bitchin’.

    In groups of not more than fifty you will be assigned to a P.L.E.A.S.E.! basic training instructor. He will be your Momma and your Daddy for the six month period of your training. You will be taught everything from how to disassemble, assemble and accurately fire an assault rifle, to how to give an intelligent presentation of “Common Sense” by Thomas Paine.

    You will live in quonset huts. Men and women will be segregated; however, the trainin’ an’ requirements will be just the same. If you’re in a wheelchair or somethin’ don’t worry about it, we’ll work something out for you, but remember you will be held to the same high standards as any other candidate.

    You will be awakened every morning at 5 a.m. by your P.L.E.A.S.E.! training instructor who will scream something like “get the hell outta that rack you lazy x#&!*%er and give me fifty!” You will then be marched to a large room and fed. It’s food, really, trust me. No snivelin’!

    From there you will be broken into smaller groups and turned over to special instructors who will teach you everything you need to know about The Constitution of The United States of America and The Bill of Rights AS THEY WERE WRITTEN. Not as they have been “interpreted” by certain black-robed socialists and addle-brained politicians over the course of the last fifty years. You’re also goin’ to get right familiar with The Federalist Papers.

    Other instructors will train you physically. You will march and “count cadence.” You will run, jump, low crawl, do push-ups, scrub garbage dumpsters, “police the area” and learn to “sound off like you’ve got a pair.” This’ll teach you self confidence so that you won’t break down bawlin’ any time some idiot socialist, or dim-witted foreign wog attacks you for doin’ your job. This’ll also teach you discipline an’ teamwork. Two things nobody alive on this earth today has ever seen on Capitol Hill. You’ll grow some big brass ones, or you’ll haul it on down the road. You too, ladies.

    You will be issued ten (10) general orders. They will be the first ten (10) Amendments to The Constitution of The United States of America. These are called The Bill of Rights. You will learn them and be prepared to recite them by heart at any given hour of the day or night. These general orders, along with the rest of The Constitution of the United States of America, will be the prime focus of your training. Defending these documents is the job you’re applying for, so knock off the chatter and pay attention! You will come to know these general orders as well as you know your own name. You will begin to see the beauty and simplicity of these fine documents. You will come to see their consistency and inbred sense of fair play for all. You will come to love them, and you will become willing to lay down your life in defense of them, or you will get the hell out of our training program!

    You will come to see that the preservation and practice of these documents will far override any need for new legislation protectin’ the rights of murderous thugs, rapists, baby killers, or totalitarian tyrants, over those of the American people. You will learn to follow and defend these documents and you will concentrate on leavin’ the rest of America the hell alone! You will come to see that your job as a legislator is to protect what the founding fathers have already laid down their lives to give us and not to create a bunch of new laws based on a bunch of warm fuzzy thinking that can’t be enforced anyway. In short, you will do the job you are supposed to do and get the hell off of our backs. Now, drop and give us a hundred!!!

    This is here is my vision of what legislative candidate trainin’ oughta be. I’m confident that at the end of P.L.E.A.S.E.! basic trainin’ we’ll have a couple of candidates who have qualified for election consideration. Don’t they look good to you? All shiny and ready to serve their country instead of ready to screw it? Makes you proud, don’t it? We just keep doing this until we’ve filled Capitol Hill and the White House with qualified people, then rotate ‘em out at the end of their maximum six (6) years of service and ship in some new guys. We can fix this country people, an’ all we have to do to get it done is send some folks to camp. Zed said he thought it might just work, an’ offered everybody a round on the house. I told him I’d have to take him up on that another time since I had to get on home an’ shoe my ass. Billy Jeff gets to kickin’ and brayin’ like the jackass he is when things ain’t goin’ to suit him. Just like his namesake.

    Y’all take care now, hear.

    "Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it."
    George Bernard Shaw

    Minority Mike aka Michael J. Bates can be reached at His wife, Margaret, helps him with the big words in the letters you write him.

Printer Version

There's no way to rule innocent men. The only power any government has is the power to crack down on criminals. Well, when there aren't enough criminals, one makes them. One declares so many things to be a crime that it becomes impossible to live without breaking laws. — AYN RAND

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