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The Minority of Mike
The Minority of Mike

By Michael J Bates

Move over, you mushy-headed socialists, and make way for the brand new minority of Mike. I’m pushing 50, there’s a big ole gut hanging over my NRA belt buckle, and I’m growing more hair in my ears than on my head these days, all of which conspire to make me damn cranky. I’m also white. You heard me! If you think that eliminates me from the booming minority industry you’re dead wrong! What’s more, I’ve earned my way into these whiney ranks; I wasn’t born into it like all of you other lucky oppressed, exploited and underprivileged wogs. It’s taken years of abuse from the majority of you to create the minority of me.

“Wait a damn minute here,” you say. “You’re a middle aged white guy, you’re the oppressor and exploiter. You’re the one Bogarting our privileges! You aren’t eligible to snivel with the likes of us!” Lights on in yer heads ya crybabies! According to your own spokespeople, life its own self has made me one of you. According to them, I’ve been oppressed, exploited and underprivileged my whole life. Just read on and see if I’m not right, I double dog dare you.

Here’s a list of issues, events, and people the majority of you dim-witted politicians and American sheeple have heralded as wildly popular over the course of the last forty-odd years of my life. While all of you were rooting for this stuff, I was being hammered for holding what you told me was the minority view.

ALAN ALDA - Most of the women, and lots of you men simply wet yourselves over this clown and his “men must get in touch with their feminine side” crap. “It’s good for men to cry and whine out their feelings,” sniffed Mr. Shirley. Not down at Zonkers Tavern where I was hanging out. Mince in THERE spouting this stuff and the sound of pop tops opening cans of Whup Ass would have deafened you.

DISCO - Fess up, you people went nuts for this noise. Bunch of Australian pretty boys (except for that anorexic looking one who was and is butt ugly) in kiss-me-quick hair dos and polyester clothes made of colors not found in nature screaming in their best falsetto voices about “Staying Alive.” I’d have liked to seen them stay alive in the Ashau Valley, Republic of South Viet Nam where I was shakin’ MY bootie. I tried a polyester shirt once, but the collar kept snaggin’ on the rifle rack in my truck.

ABORTION - I was for it when it came out, but the majority of the sheeple closed ranks with the majority of the politicians again and said I was a Godless heathen. Now I’m against it and you’re telling me I’m a religious nut. I can’t seem to get my saddle tossed over this nag no matter which side of the damned thing I’m standin’ on.

FREE LOVE - I don’t know where you went to school, but life has taught me there is no such thing. We all whore in one way or another.

MINI SKIRTS AND BRA BURNING - Actually I was very much for these fads until you women told me I couldn’t look at you anymore after you’d done it. What’s the point if I can’t look?

JANE FONDA - Loathed her then, loathe her now.

VOTING - People say: You have no right to complain if you don’t vote. I say: You have no right to complain if you do. You’re the ones voting for these bottom feeders, you deserve everything they do to you. People say: If everyone felt that way our government would collapse. I say, Excellent! If you insist on voting you should be tested on your knowledge of issues and candidates BEFORE you get handed a ballot. As it is, any damn fool not only CAN vote, they DO. Are you happy with the shape this country is in? Care to take a guess as to who’s responsible?

DRUG LAWS - What a resounding success these have been, huh? You sheepleticians seem to think putting some guy in the joint for 10 years because he was holding a couple of ounces of grass, while turning murderers and rapists loose to do “community service” in the communities they victimize, is the way to go. I happen to know you can find more dope in jail than on any street corner in America. How I know is none of your damn business, just take my word for it. Do you honestly feel some pot head eating a jar of mayonnaise at three in the morning is something to fear? The guys you keep turning loose scare me, an’ I’m big enough to eat hay, not to mention armed! Have another glass of gin and think about it. Better yet, go to jail and see for yourselves.

ROSIE O’DONNELL - See Jane Fonda.

SAVING THE EARTH - The earth is fine. I rode out and looked it over this morning and it’s fine I tell you. The PEOPLE on it need help, but the EARTH is fine, honest.

HASSLING BILL GATES - He built a better mouse trap and you people beat a path to his door all right, with subpoenas! I say leave this guy, and others like him, alone. One of these days Atlas is going to shrug for real. Who you gonna sue then?

GUN CONTROL - Don’t even get me started on this one.

FAMILY VALUES - This was a big one not too long ago. Family values this, and family values that. Fine and dandy, but just whose family are we talking about here? Your family? My family? The Manson family!? How about the Clinton family? You sheepleticians do what you want, but leave me an’ my ole woman out of it. Our kids are growed and gone, none of ‘em dope fiends, perverts or in jail either. Straight shooters, all of ‘em. Literally.

THE V CHIP - You guys want your kids protected from the crap on television? Make a planter box out of the damn thing. Those are little people and television turns them into little zombies.

MOVIE CENSORSHIP - You ALL snivel about sex and violence in the movies. There’s too much of it and you don’t like it and you want it cleaned up “for the children.” Here’s a tip, don’t buy a ticket. Don’t let Junior buy one either. You can do that you know, unless of course you’ve already shipped him off to that village Hillary keeps harping about. Sex and violence have been the mainstays of entertainment since before Romeo jumped Juliet. Live with it. Lose all the ratings crap and quit trying to “clean up the movie industry.” You can polish a turd all you want to, when you get done, it’s still only a turd. Besides, I happen to LIKE watching guys blow stuff up while ridin’ around on motorcycles with no helmets an’ bare chested women on the back shootin’ automatic weapons.

FOREIGN AID - For years the politicians, and their partners in crime, the IRS, have stolen money from me. They mail it off to countries I can’t pronounce and call it foreign aid. What a pantload. All that happens is some FOREIGN politician steals it, then phones us, collect, begging for more. Foreign aid my achin’ butt. Extortion is what it is! Why don’t you let Willie Nelson give ‘em a concert or something? You can bet Willie’s people would make damn sure the money got to where it was supposed to go. Be a good concert too, if Willie’s sober.

GAY RIGHTS - Alright already. BE proud. BE gay. Just be QUIET would ya? You’ve made your point. I was gay once too, you know, right up until it was my turn.

GOVERNMENT MANDATED HIRING PRACTICES - Let me get this straight. In order to eliminate discrimination in hiring people for jobs, you passed a law that makes employers discriminate against hiring OTHER people for jobs. That about it? This makes about as much sense as me tryin’ to load 12 gauge double ought into my Colt. Charles Manson once said, “No sense makes sense.” I guess that boy could have gone far in the law-making industry. Which, by the way, is a monopoly and should be made to go stand in the corner with Bill Gates.

NAFTA - See Gun Control

THE SUPREME COURT - The Supremes have got a loud beat, but I can’t dance to them. Who’s responsible for these idiots anyway? They do a boogaloo around the Constitution at the drop of a disco ball an’ nobody does squat. W-a-a-a-y past time for ‘em to straighten up and fly right, I say.

GERALDO RIVERA - See Rosie O’Donnell.

LARRY KING AND NIGHTLINE - For years you television zombies have been getting your “news” and “opinions” from this drooper and others like him. Please. King has been married so many times he’s got rice marks all over his face. Just the thought of listening to him and Monica prattle on for an hour about her “political insights” and their shared vision of “family values” sent me scurrying around my house looking for a barf bag. The majority of you thought it was a scoop, and you can’t deny it. I saw the ratings for that show and damn near ALL of you were watching. Here’s an idea, why not have all of Larry’s ex-wives on the show and they can discuss...umm, oh, I don’t know...say, maybe the possibility that he’s an egomaniacal, shill-for-the-left, sneakweenie? Now that’s an ex-wives’ club I’d be interested in hearing from.

VIET NAM - See Gun Control

NATIVE AMERICANS - After slaughtering most of them, the majority of you sheepleticians decided I owed them money for it. I wasn’t even there! You can ask my mom. Say, come to think of it, I was born in this country. Hell, I’M as much a Native American as they are. If they’re so downtrodden, how come nobody ever got rich selling AMERICAN jewelery to them huh? This ain’t right.

RALPH NADER - For about 40 years now this safety Nazi has been running around sticking his nose in everybody’s business, and the vast majority of you sheepleticians have applauded him for it. The original “Hey you could put somebody’s eye out with that” puke is responsible for more government intervention, bureaucratic corruption, pork barrel spending and out-and-out Constitution demolishing than any human being in America. Ever. Thank you Ralph for air bags that kill kids, “environmental toilets,” catastrophic converters, Alar hoaxes, OSHA, cops who give me tickets because you said I had to wear a seat belt, and a pile of stupid laws big enough to cover Mt. Rushmore, along with enough left over to fill my barn. Thank you, you over-rated busybody. Thank you very much.

CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM - Perhaps the granddaddy of all oxymorons. You sheeple keep howling for it, you blowhole politicians keep claiming you’re going to give it to them, and the corruption keeps rolling along. It’s not the money that kills liberty, sheeple, it’s the empty suits you keep forkin’ that money over to. And finally...

BILL AND HILLARY - You not only elected them, you elected them TWICE!!! Aren’t you ashamed of yourselves? I’ve got a good mind to take a strop to you. Didn’t your parents bring you up any better than this? Go to your room, I’ll decide your punishment later.

Keep in mind this is only a PARTIAL list of the ways the majority of you twinks have oppressed, exploited and underprivileged me over the course of the last 49 years. I could snivel for days. Surely, by now you must agree that I am a minority. You can’t deny me for reasons of race, creed, color, or drivin’ a pick-up truck with an NRA sticker in the window. Your own squishy rules say that’s a discrimination no-no. You made this bunk, and I get to lay down and snivel in it. Welcome to the minority of Mike. If you’re wondering what I now demand as my minority status rights, I’ll be glad to tell you.

Nothing. Not a damn thing.

To make me happy, all you majority members need to do is go away. On your way out the door, pick up your trendy causes, idiot politicians, corrupt administrations, unenforceable and unconstitutional laws, safety Nazis, bubble-headed, loud-mouthed Hollywood dim wits, junk scientists, environmental terrorists, feminist bores, gun-grabbing sissies, television talk show hosts, self-righteous soccer moms, lawyers, supreme court socialists, feminist butt heads, PETA loons, foreign investors, revisionist historians, propaganda-printin’ newspapers, self-important bureaucrat thieves, IRS, FBI, NSC, CIA, FEMA, ATF and any other damn freedom-stealin’ alphabet organization you’ve abused me with for the last five decades!

Just leave your copy of the Bill of Rights and The Constitution of the United States of America over there on the coffee table. You never read it anyway, and the minority of me would very much like to see it put to good use for a change.

Minority Mike aka Michael J. Bates can be reached at His wife, Margaret, helps him with the big words in the letters you write him.

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The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws. — Tacitus (A.D. 55?-130?)

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