The Minority of Mike
The Minority of Mike
By Michael J Bates
Move over, you mushy-headed socialists, and make way for the brand new
minority of Mike. I’m pushing 50, there’s a big ole gut hanging over my
NRA belt buckle, and I’m growing more hair in my ears than on my head
these days, all of which conspire to make me damn cranky. I’m also white.
You heard me! If you think that eliminates me from the booming minority
industry you’re dead wrong! What’s more, I’ve earned my way into these
whiney ranks; I wasn’t born into it like all of you other lucky
oppressed, exploited and underprivileged wogs. It’s taken years of abuse
from the majority of you to create the minority of me.
“Wait a damn minute here,” you say. “You’re a middle aged white guy,
you’re the oppressor and exploiter. You’re the one Bogarting our
privileges! You aren’t eligible to snivel with the likes of us!”
Lights on in yer heads ya crybabies! According to your own spokespeople,
life its own self has made me one of you. According to them, I’ve been
oppressed, exploited and underprivileged my whole life. Just read on and
see if I’m not right, I double dog dare you.
Here’s a list of issues, events, and people the majority of you
politicians and American sheeple have heralded as wildly popular over the
course of the last forty-odd years of my life. While all of you were
rooting for this stuff, I was being hammered for holding what you told me
was the minority view.
- Most of the women, and lots of you men simply wet yourselves
over this clown and his “men must get in touch with their feminine side”
crap. “It’s good for men to cry and whine out their feelings,” sniffed Mr.
Shirley. Not down at Zonkers Tavern where I was hanging out. Mince in
THERE spouting this stuff and the sound of pop tops opening cans of Whup
Ass would have deafened you.
- Fess up, you people went nuts for this noise. Bunch of Australian
pretty boys (except for that anorexic looking one who was and is butt
ugly) in kiss-me-quick hair dos and polyester clothes made of colors not
found in nature screaming in their best falsetto voices about “Staying
Alive.” I’d have liked to seen them stay alive in the Ashau Valley,
Republic of South Viet Nam where I was shakin’ MY bootie. I tried a
polyester shirt once, but the collar kept snaggin’ on the rifle rack in my
- I was for it when it came out, but the majority of the sheeple
closed ranks with the majority of the politicians again and said I was a
Godless heathen. Now I’m against it and you’re telling me I’m a religious
nut. I can’t seem to get my saddle tossed over this nag no matter which
side of the damned thing I’m standin’ on.
- I don’t know where you went to school, but life has taught me
there is no such thing. We all whore in one way or another.
MINI SKIRTS AND BRA BURNING
- Actually I was very much for these fads until
you women told me I couldn’t look at you anymore after you’d done it.
What’s the point if I can’t look?
- Loathed her then, loathe her now.
- People say: You have no right to complain if you don’t vote. I
say: You have no right to complain if you do. You’re the ones voting for
these bottom feeders, you deserve everything they do to you. People say:
If everyone felt that way our government would collapse. I say, Excellent!
If you insist on voting you should be tested on your knowledge of issues
and candidates BEFORE you get handed a ballot. As it is, any damn fool not
only CAN vote, they DO. Are you happy with the shape this country is in?
Care to take a guess as to who’s responsible?
- What a resounding success these have been, huh? You
sheepleticians seem to think putting some guy in the joint for 10 years
because he was holding a couple of ounces of grass, while turning
murderers and rapists loose to do “community service” in the communities
they victimize, is the way to go. I happen to know you can find more dope
in jail than on any street corner in America. How I know is none of your
damn business, just take my word for it. Do you honestly feel some pot
head eating a jar of mayonnaise at three in the morning is something to
fear? The guys you keep turning loose scare me, an’ I’m big enough to eat
hay, not to mention armed! Have another glass of gin and think about it.
Better yet, go to jail and see for yourselves.
- See Jane Fonda.
SAVING THE EARTH
- The earth is fine. I rode out and looked it over this
morning and it’s fine I tell you. The PEOPLE on it need help, but the
EARTH is fine, honest.
HASSLING BILL GATES
- He built a better mouse trap and you people beat a
path to his door all right, with subpoenas! I say leave this guy, and
others like him, alone. One of these days Atlas is going to shrug for
real. Who you gonna sue then?
- Don’t even get me started on this one.
- This was a big one not too long ago. Family values this,
and family values that. Fine and dandy, but just whose family are we
talking about here? Your family? My family? The Manson family!? How about
the Clinton family? You sheepleticians do what you want, but leave me an’
my ole woman out of it. Our kids are growed and gone, none of ‘em dope
fiends, perverts or in jail either. Straight shooters, all of ‘em.
THE V CHIP
- You guys want your kids protected from the crap on television?
Make a planter box out of the damn thing. Those are little people and
television turns them into little zombies.
- You ALL snivel about sex and violence in the movies.
There’s too much of it and you don’t like it and you want it cleaned up
“for the children.” Here’s a tip, don’t buy a ticket. Don’t let Junior buy
one either. You can do that you know, unless of course you’ve already
shipped him off to that village Hillary keeps harping about. Sex and
violence have been the mainstays of entertainment since before Romeo
jumped Juliet. Live with it. Lose all the ratings crap and quit trying to
“clean up the movie industry.” You can polish a turd all you want to, when
you get done, it’s still only a turd. Besides, I happen to LIKE watching
guys blow stuff up while ridin’ around on motorcycles with no helmets an’
bare chested women on the back shootin’ automatic weapons.
- For years the politicians, and their partners in crime, the
IRS, have stolen money from me. They mail it off to countries I can’t
pronounce and call it foreign aid. What a pantload. All that happens is
some FOREIGN politician steals it, then phones us, collect, begging for
more. Foreign aid my achin’ butt. Extortion is what it is! Why don’t you
let Willie Nelson give ‘em a concert or something? You can bet Willie’s
people would make damn sure the money got to where it was supposed to go.
Be a good concert too, if Willie’s sober.
- Alright already. BE proud. BE gay. Just be QUIET would ya?
You’ve made your point. I was gay once too, you know, right up until it
was my turn.
GOVERNMENT MANDATED HIRING PRACTICES
- Let me get this straight. In order to eliminate discrimination in hiring people for jobs, you passed a law that makes employers discriminate against hiring OTHER people for jobs. That about it? This makes about as much sense as me tryin’ to load 12 gauge double ought into my Colt. Charles Manson once said, “No sense makes sense.” I guess that boy could have gone far in the law-making industry.
Which, by the way, is a monopoly and should be made to go stand in the
corner with Bill Gates.
- See Gun Control
THE SUPREME COURT
- The Supremes have got a loud beat, but I can’t dance to
them. Who’s responsible for these idiots anyway? They do a boogaloo around
the Constitution at the drop of a disco ball an’ nobody does squat.
W-a-a-a-y past time for ‘em to straighten up and fly right, I say.
- See Rosie O’Donnell.
LARRY KING AND NIGHTLINE
- For years you television zombies have been
getting your “news” and “opinions” from this drooper and others like him.
Please. King has been married so many times he’s got rice marks all over
his face. Just the thought of listening to him and Monica prattle on for
an hour about her “political insights” and their shared vision of “family
values” sent me scurrying around my house looking for a barf bag. The
majority of you thought it was a scoop, and you can’t deny it. I saw the
ratings for that show and damn near ALL of you were watching. Here’s an
idea, why not have all of Larry’s ex-wives on the show and they can
discuss...umm, oh, I don’t know...say, maybe the possibility that he’s an
egomaniacal, shill-for-the-left, sneakweenie? Now that’s an ex-wives’ club
I’d be interested in hearing from.
- See Gun Control
- After slaughtering most of them, the majority of you
sheepleticians decided I owed them money for it. I wasn’t even there! You
can ask my mom. Say, come to think of it, I was born in this country.
Hell, I’M as much a Native American as they are. If they’re so
downtrodden, how come nobody ever got rich selling AMERICAN jewelery to
them huh? This ain’t right.
- For about 40 years now this safety Nazi has been running
around sticking his nose in everybody’s business, and the vast majority of
you sheepleticians have applauded him for it. The original “Hey you could
put somebody’s eye out with that” puke is responsible for more government
intervention, bureaucratic corruption, pork barrel spending and
out-and-out Constitution demolishing than any human being in America.
Ever. Thank you Ralph for air bags that kill kids, “environmental
toilets,” catastrophic converters, Alar hoaxes, OSHA, cops who give me
tickets because you said I had to wear a seat belt, and a pile of stupid
laws big enough to cover Mt. Rushmore, along with enough left over to fill
my barn. Thank you, you over-rated busybody. Thank you very much.
CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM
- Perhaps the granddaddy of all oxymorons. You
sheeple keep howling for it, you blowhole politicians keep claiming you’re
going to give it to them, and the corruption keeps rolling along. It’s not
the money that kills liberty, sheeple, it’s the empty suits you keep
forkin’ that money over to.
BILL AND HILLARY
- You not only elected them, you elected them TWICE!!!
Aren’t you ashamed of yourselves? I’ve got a good mind to take a strop to
you. Didn’t your parents bring you up any better than this? Go to your
room, I’ll decide your punishment later.
Keep in mind this is only a PARTIAL list of the ways the majority of you
twinks have oppressed, exploited and underprivileged me over the course of
the last 49 years. I could snivel for days. Surely, by now you must agree
that I am a minority. You can’t deny me for reasons of race, creed, color,
or drivin’ a pick-up truck with an NRA sticker in the window. Your own
squishy rules say that’s a discrimination no-no. You made this bunk, and I
get to lay down and snivel in it. Welcome to the minority of Mike.
If you’re wondering what I now demand as my minority status rights, I’ll
be glad to tell you.
Nothing. Not a damn thing.
To make me happy, all you majority members need to do is go away.
On your way out the door, pick up your trendy causes, idiot politicians,
corrupt administrations, unenforceable and unconstitutional laws, safety
Nazis, bubble-headed, loud-mouthed Hollywood dim wits, junk scientists,
environmental terrorists, feminist bores, gun-grabbing sissies, television
talk show hosts, self-righteous soccer moms, lawyers, supreme court
socialists, feminist butt heads, PETA loons, foreign investors,
revisionist historians, propaganda-printin’ newspapers, self-important
bureaucrat thieves, IRS, FBI, NSC, CIA, FEMA, ATF and any other damn
freedom-stealin’ alphabet organization you’ve abused me with for the last
Just leave your copy of the Bill of Rights and The Constitution of the
United States of America over there on the coffee table. You never read it
anyway, and the minority of me would very much like to see it put to good
use for a change.
Minority Mike aka Michael J. Bates can be reached at email@example.com His wife, Margaret, helps him with the big words in the letters you write him.