Dear Democrat,

You are one of a select group of Democrats picked for a focus group study, to see how it'd go over if we told you what we're really thinking. You've all read our "Dream or Nightmare" email. Here's some excerpts:

> From: "Democratic News" <dnc_support@cheetahmail.com>
> Saturday, November 04, 2000
> Subject: Call 10 Friends and Remind Them to Vote - Democratic News, 11/4/00
>
> Call ten friends and remind them that Tuesday is Election Day...!

[Now there's our informed Democratic voters!  We definitely want them voting!]

> DREAM OR NIGHTMARE?
> Don't let our Democratic dream become a Republican nightmare. Don't make the
> wrong choice and let Republicans take us back to the way things were 8 years ago...

[Yeah.  We wouldn't want the world wide web to disappear!]

> STOP VOTER INTIMIDATION
> Over the past 20 years, there have been repeated efforts by the Republican
> Party...to harass and intimidate minority voters...
>
> FORWARD THIS...TO 10 DEMOCRATIC FRIENDS...


That was for public consumption.  Here's the real deal:


"Dear Socialist,

You are hereby ordered to read this by your Democratic Socialist Central Committee Commissar.

We're counting on you!

If you like paying $2 a gallon for gas and you want it to go to $4 -- and we know you do because you're a good Democrat -- then be sure and "get out the vote" for Al Gore and the Democratic Team!

Don't let our dream of high gasoline prices, big government, high taxes, unlimited illegal immigration, and massive voter fraud slip away!

Vote Gore!  Vote Democrat!  Vote early!  Vote often! 

"Get Out The Vote!"  In other words, be sure you mailed in at least 10 absentee ballots under phony names!  Don't bother changing your handwriting; we've got Republicans too intimidated to do anything about it anyway.  As Democrats and illegal aliens, a special set of rules applies.  We get to vote as many times as we want.  We get to self-righteously and indignantly discredit anyone who raises the voter fraud issue.  We get to have our opponents look the other way and pretend we won fair and square so we can elect our candidates and run the government even when we don't really have the votes.  Yeah, so it's a non-violent coup d'etat.  So what?  We know what's best for the country.

So just remember this slogan:  "Anyone who talks about voter fraud is a racist hatemonger."

How about those gasoline prices, huh?  A big part of why they're so high is the combined State & Federal sales tax on gas, especially in Democrat-ruled California, thanks to our loyal Democrats who never saw a tax we didn't like or a "temporary" tax we didn't make permanent even in the face of record-setting surpluses.  When gas prices started to jump, California Republicans wanted to give people some relief by lowering gas taxes a little bit. They knew Democrats wouldn't stand for much, so they tried for a nickel a gallon.  But we killed it to preserve our other plans for the multi-billion-dollar budget surplus (spending).  Of course, if we let them eliminate the gas tax entirely, prices would drop a lot more than a nickel.  So call your Democrat politicians and thank them for this!

On the other side of the equation, our bureaucrats and "environmentalist" allies are always dreaming up ways to make it harder to produce oil and gas.  Economics has a little law called Supply & Demand.  If government regulations and harassment make it harder to produce oil and gas, the supply will drop, and the price will rise.  Off California, untapped reserves would be keeping prices lower right now if weren't for environmentalists like Hollywood producer James Cameron. Though the Santa Barbara channel "healed" almost immediately after the '60s spill and oil producers have had a nearly spotless record there ever since, our wealthy "Get Oil Out" elitists are still whining very effectively about a 30-year-old oil spill, hassling oil producers into shutting down production, and with help from Clinton/Gore prohibited any new projects.

Do we suffer from our anti-oil / pro-tax policies?  No, it's the little people who pay.  Would we be the slightest bit inconvenienced if gas went to $10 a gallon?  Get Real.  Does anyone think we're going to car pool, walk, take buses, or trade in luxury cars and SUVs for mopeds anytime soon, or ever?  No, we're supercitizens.  That's why we exempt Congress from the regulations we make everyone else live with.  That's why we like gun control.  As our gun collector friend Steven Spielberg can tell you, "Gun control? That's for them."  Who cares if you can defend yourself or not?  We can afford to live in gated communities and have armed bodyguards defend us wherever we go.

In the immortal words of Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack: "Looks good on YOU, though."

Read Al Gore's book.  He thinks cars are bad for the environment, when YOU drive them.  He WANTS high gas prices - for YOU.  He wants YOU to carpool, YOU to take a bus, YOU to ride a moped or walk.

Democrat politicians are usually people who never ran a business that actually produced anything of value to anyone.  If we were in business, it's usually some industry where people thrive by taking money from people who earned it and giving it to people who didn't, or one where demand for its services grows every time we pass new laws to make everyone else's life more complicated and unpleasant.  That's one reason we love big government regulations that strangle businesses and make it hard to create wealth.  Some right wing nuts say that keeps prices higher and the standard of living lower.  But we believe wealth and income are static concepts. We think we can hassle entrepreneurs and take more and more money from those who work the hardest and produce the most, but they'll still work just as hard anyway.

Ever notice how some actor / singer will give a few thousand dollars to some charity, and then the media pumps her up into a big altruist, when her donation was really only about one millionth of her wealth?  You know, the equivalent of you donating a dime or a quarter?  Then, after her great sacrifice this great philanthropist has her swimming pool filled with Perrier for a party at her mansion where she invites a bunch of us to come over and figure out how to tax everyone else to pay for our favorite charities?  You don't see us selling our mansions and giving our money to charity and then living like the rest of you little people, do you?  What's stopping us?  We're the ruling elite, that's what.  Oh yeah, Limousine Liberals want to help the poor alright -- with your money, not ours.

Another cool thing about being a Democrat:  If we got a mob together, went to a wealthy entrepreneur's home, took his stuff, and gave it to people who "need" it, we'd be arrested.  But if we do it by making him pay a tax rate 4 times higher than other people, we get to act self-righteous, like he's the bad guy.  In fact, when George Bush proposes an across-the-board tax cut for everyone, we get to make the wealthy guy look like the thief for getting any part of it, even though the wealthiest 1% pay 30% of all income taxes.

We get to make a hero out of Ted Kennedy, a drunk who fled when a woman died in a car he turned into a submarine, then we leak a story from one of Bill Clinton's 9,000 FBI files to make Bush into a monster for a 24-year-old DUI, even though no one got hurt and he never lied about it, rose above it, and hasn't had a drink since 1986.  We get to ask the equivalent of, "Gov. Bush, is it true you were young once?", and nobody laughs.  We get to run Bob Packwood out of the Senate for saintly behavior compared to Bill Clinton's, while we protect Bill and Al for taking bribes from the Communist Chinese.

The best thing about being Democrats is we get to be as self-righteous and hypocritical as we want to, because Republicans are too timid and stupid either to call us on it, or to follow through if they do.

So which presidential team do you think will make gas prices lower? 

Is it Bush/Cheney, who have experience running evil companies that produce oil and gas, who favor lower taxes and less regulation, who think the money you earn should belong to YOU, not some welfare recipient who never worked a day in her life, whose way of earning a raise is to have another kid?  (Most of people on welfare are white, but we'll call anyone who criticizes it a racist anyway).

Or is it Gore/Lieberman, the men from the government who are here to help by spending their lives dreaming up ways to hassle, micromanage, and shake down industries they know nothing about, who fight cuts in gas taxes because they like taxes and want higher gas prices, who don't mind if YOU have to take a bus or ride a moped because they'll always be able to take a limo, who take credit for an economy that's healthy in spite of their policies thanks to new technologies and Republican restraints on taxing & spending, who think people who actually produce things will still work as hard if we play take more income from them to pay for wasteful programs than we take from everyone else to pay for wasteful programs?

Who will lower gas prices?  Bush/Cheney, of course.  So, if you're a good Democrat, vote for Gore/Lieberman!

Vote for higher gas taxes.  Vote for socialism, hypocrisy, and elitism!  Vote for unlimited illegal immigration and letting illegal aliens vote!  Vote for fraud!  Vote early!  Vote often!

Save Our Scam by mailing in at least 10 absentee ballots each.  Those of you participating in the Mental Health Voter Empowerment Project be sure and get your people out, especially those who don't know Tuesday is election day.  Remember the words of paranoid schizophrenic Ginny Dent, "When the mentally ill vote, they tend to vote Democratic."

This has been a message from the Democratic Socialist Commissariat.  You have your instructions.

OBEY!  OBEY!  OBEY!"


OK!  What do you think?  Please send us your feedback!

Disclaimer: this is only a focus group study.

The recommendations are not intended to be carried out. (wink, wink).