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News & Editorials

It's a Risky Business

by "A Criminal"


I work in a high risk industry but I'm my own boss and make my own hours, so the risk factor evens out. My profession doesn't require a lot of travel or an office to operate out of, so my overhead is low. I don't pay a local, state or federal income tax (wanta know more?). I don't have to contribute to Social Security, pay employment taxes or workman's compensation insurance. Hell, I beat all the hassles created by the man to keep a person down. 

There are a few downsides to my particular profession. I don't have a pension plan (yet) or any type of vacation or health benefits package but that's OK. I'm not complaining cause I get along. Still interested?

I can remember when I first started out in the business. It was almost by accident. I was with a group of friends and I was around the age of ten, I believe. We were at the local mall and one of them said to me, "hey, I bet you can't steal that pair of tennis shoes on the display". At first I was shocked at the challenge but was afraid of being called a baby, I mean I had enjoyed the fruits of my friends various shoplifting ventures, and it probably was my turn. 

"Ok, I'll do it, you get the salesgirl's attention", I remember saying, and it worked like a charm. I can still remember that I didn't sleep well that evening because I had to lie to my parents about where the new kicks had come from. I found them in a dumpster, yeah right. I got over that real quick and I found that while others were mowing lawns and delivering newspapers (geeks) I could easily lift the things I wanted. 

Oh sure, I got caught a few times but I talked my way out of it, well, most of the time. I'm smooth that way, you know. Once, when I was fifteen, a store manager caught me with several record albums under my sweatshirt and called my dad. My dad came down and told the manager that he didn't have time to be bothered with false accusations about his little boy (good one, pop). "I'll sue your whole chain of stores and own every record made for the next twenty years" Pop said. The manager ended up apologizing to ME! What a stroke of luck, I thought, this is getting easy. 

At seventeen, I got caught climbing into a neighbor's bedroom window. He stopped me by placing a Ruger 357 magnum to my head. His daughter even called the cops for him, that little b--ch! I had to go to court that time and pop got a good lawyer who told me it was my first offense and not to worry. I remember how my lawyer made the neighbor with the gun seem like the bad guy, it was great. Everyone including the judge was all over this guy's case about how irresponsible he was, after all he could have hurt me. His lawyer claimed that he had every right to defend his home and property. My lawyer claimed that I could have even been killed and that it was armed people like him who were the real threat to society. I just needed a little guidance and some after school projects. There I sat looking sweet and innocent. I'm good at that too! I got what they called a slap on the wrist, whatever that means. All I know is I was back in business within twenty four hours and the judge taught me little more than that I needed to be careful. 

Well, I knew what I had to do. Most of the people I hung around with didn't care too much for "ol Ruger" as we began to call him and suggested that I get myself some protection, I mean it's a risky business. I had never thought much about the need for it before but "ol Ruger" had convinced me. "I'll go down to the Sporting goods store tomorrow", I said, when my buddy took me out to his car and opened a briefcase. Oh man, he had everything from brass knucks, switchblades, blackjacks and automatic pistols the size of a cigarette pack to big revolvers like the one that Eastwood guy used in that movie, "Dirty something or other". I thought wow, I could sure show "ol Ruger" a thing or two with that big ol' cannon. 

But I opted for a smaller one I could keep in my pocket. I can still remember how my buddy laughed when I mentioned the Sporting goods store. I mean I could have most anything he had for around fifty bucks, why pay full price and go through a bunch of hassle. I was just going to flash the thing to get my point across anyway. I've never had to shoot anyone but boy do they jump when I flash it. They look scared and helpless.

That's my story and I guess by now you can figure out what I do for a living. I'm a little older, wiser and much more vicious than when I was a teenager. I pick and choose you more discreetly. Remember "ol Ruger's" daughter. My buddies and I took care of her one night and she don't like to talk about it. In fact she doesn't even know who did it. I'll bet "ol Ruger" don't leave her home alone overnight again.

A few days ago "ol Ruger" shot one of my associates having another go at his daughter in her bedroom. It seems my buddy didn't hear the car pull in. Just winged him anyway but the judge took "ol Ruger's" gun this time and said that he was not a one man vigilante squad, or something like that. The LAW sure is making my life easier, that's all I can say. Besides, guy's like "ol Ruger" don't need a gun, he can do what the rest of civilized society does. Call 911, ha! At least that's what the judge told him.

You see, in my business, I can bide my time and watch you. Hell, I look just like most of you and when we pass on the street you don't even notice me but you can be guaranteed that I notice you. I may even follow you if you meet my criteria. That's what I do. I have all the time in the world to plan where I'm going to strike next. You don't have a clue!

As you can see, in my profession you have a lot of freedom. 

  • You work hard and save up your stupid down payments. I just wait until you're gone and kick your door in and take what I want from you.
  • You shop and agonize over which color, size or model to buy. I don't care about those petty things, I'm going to kick your door in and take what I want from you.
  • You love your daughters and have fond memories of them as children. I feel nothing for them and have no history with them, no fond memories of their grade school play, high school prom or their first time behind the wheel, I'm going to kick their door in and take what I want from them. 
  • You reminisce about that first kiss with your wife. I wasn't there and could care less if she slapped your face and you both get a big laugh out of it today. I hope you're out of town on business when I kick her door in and take what I want from her. 
  • You feel protective of your elderly parents and grandparents. I could care less about them and will kick their door in and take what I want from them.

In my profession I can only care about myself and with all these, what do you call them "gun grabbers" (good one) making my life a lot safer I feel better than I did twenty years ago when "ol Ruger" stuck that 357 upside my head.

Times sure have changed and I know for the better. People like "ol Ruger" won't be bothering us Late Nighters (I prefer that term, thank you) much longer. There are some good people out there who are really concerned with those in my profession. Let's see, you've got the Million Moms, Handgun Control and some great politicians protecting our profession from the "ol Rugers" of this world. Hell, I might even join one of these things myself, anything to help, you know. 

As I said before, It's a risky business and we need all the help we can get. Thanks "gun grabbers", sincerely. Maybe we could start our own movement. Criminals for Gun Control. I hear there's a lot of easy money to be made in politics. NAH!


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The pool of guns that get turned in in buybacks are simply not the same guns that would otherwise have been used in crime. Harvard professor David Kennedy, as reported on FoxNews

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